The Toddler Mantra

I do not want to eat that food
I don't care that you think i am rude
I yelled and screamed and stomped my feet
Demanding you make me something to eat
I whined all day about my favorite food
But now that you made it, i want to be rude.
I do not want that food you made
I will not eat it not today.

Mush

By every Thursday evening i am pretty much done for the week. Exhaustion sets in and the kids can get away with more than normal. Tonight presented an image that really represents how i feel every Thursday. Post bath and pj play time with the kids brushing (more like beating) my hair to make me look like Repunzel. Which whatever they come up with probably is an improvement to my normal crawled out from under a rock look. Then i end up laid out face first with all four climbing, sitting, and pulling on me while my 4yr old son beats me with a pool noodle yelling "Mush!" when i finally escape to get the bed time routine ready, my son comes in and says "it's jumping time. We are jumping off the dresser." all i see are ER visits and the Cosby Show episode where Theo and Vanessa play cannon ball with Rudy tossing her into the wall. oh the joys. i wouldn't trade one second of any of it <3

Lay it down

I lay it all down tonight. My "rights" to privacy in the bathroom, or silence when i am on a call, or a clean house or painted toes. They are all being put down tonight. My rights are representations of the old me. The who i was but not who i am or who i am called to be. I have been looking back longingly at that old me of singleness and "freedom", and as God has been trying to free me of that selfish person i have been fighting Him every step of the way. But tonight i will not fight. The greater blessings of little feet and little arms of love running to me and tackling me far outweigh a manicure. The sweet voices saying "thank you mommy for taking to mcdonalds" or my 4 yr old telling me "you're a good mommy" are so much better than any so called freedom of before. I am astonished by my selfishness and so so thankful for a loving Father who patiently continues to work on my heart and love me even in my ungrateful states. The joys and tears of marriage and motherhood are a great adventure and where i am called to be now. Just as the joys and tears of singleness were the adventurers i was called to in the past. I will live in this present adventure whether it is a glorious hug from my children or dirty diapers being dragged across carpet. This is beautiful and i am thankful to be God's beautiful mess.

"S**t or Get Off the Pot" - real life potty training

Never has that phrase been more real than while potty training. I have three toddlers all in different stages of potty training right now but all of them seem to need to do their business at bed time. While i am thankful for more flushable business trips, i have found that at my moments of least endurance and patience is their favorite time to go. the girls just like to take their sweet time and read or talk or sing while my son just likes to get it over with. Of course he is also four and a month ago swore that he would not use the potty at all till he was 5 and he did not want to go to school or VBS or rec camp (all failed incentives to get him out of diapers). Now he is an underwear using preschooler who got his first backpack today. And yes i have lived for two years in total parent embarrassment changing the diaper of a toddler who is at least one year bigger than his age. But as i heard from focus on the family  and daily reminded myself, "i have never met a high schooler still in diapers". My three yr old is going potty about 50% of the time and my two yr old likes to pretend she needs to go. She also likes to try to change her own dirty diapers no matter what location she is in. So fun when your child is stripping down in the middle of the grocery store. But one day they will all get there. Maybe like magic like with my son. He just woke up one day and decided that was enough. There is potty victory one day down the road. They will all one day "s**t and get off the pot"

Quitting

If motherhood was a paying gig, today i would have quit. Crying, whining, teething, sibling rivalry, and stomach bugs all around have conquered my last ounce of determination. I am usually pretty worn thin by Thursday anyway, but today i reached the end. Lack of sleep has certainly not helped. Let's be honest. We all want to walk out some days. A few weeks ago this desire to leave it all behind would have sent me into a downward spiral of guilt and hopelessness; but God sent an amazingly honest lady across my path. She heard my weary voice and shared that even when raising her two children, she had times of wanting to drive till the road ended and stay there. Just hearing that someone else has felt that way has kept me from spiraling for the past two weeks. God is not afraid of our honesty, so can we not be afraid to be honest with each other? This fear of being transparent about motherhood is probably what has driven some moms to drive their van full of kids into the ocean. May we never judge, but only come along side and pray and help and walk this sometimes incredibly hard journey together. If you are struggling with being overwhelmed and wanting to run away it is ok. Find another mom somewhere even if it is at a playground and share a little. If you are struggling with this on a darker level. Maybe panic attacks, anger, rage, immobilizing sadness, or violence toward yourself or others, call your Dr asap or find a hospital or even call a help line like 1-800-A-Family and talk to someone who can direct you to local help. Even if you don't have insurance or money, get the help. The money will work out. Praying for all moms to get some much needed rest and find an honest friend to do this life with.

The Potty Reality

I am ashamed to say that today i somewhat accidentally knocked down my 3yr old son. He was the final obstacle standing between me and the potty. We had just arrived home and while doing my adult version of the pee pee dance, i unbuckled three car seats and carried the infant, and unlocked the front door. I am sure that any woman who has birthed children understands my desperation at this point. I had just finished pleading with my 18 month old to get into the house (leaves are much more fun than inside) when i just could not hold for another second. Dropping all bags and darting over toys (which my offspring insist on scattering in every entry and hall) i shouted with as much urgency as possible "MOVE! MOVE!". At which point my children all hear "get in front of mom and move as slowly as humanly possible". After precariously making it past two children, my third just got caught in the fury of mommy's bladder. I tried to just get around and lightly tap him to move over. But no he fell to ground in true John Stockton style crying foul. I apologized profusely and tried to explain that when i say move it means move out of the way. What i really want to tell them is "mommy has given birth to four of you in four years. I must move with the speed of a cheatah to the potty. Anyone in the way is likely to be run down - so MOVE!"

Forgiveness

I never thought forgiveness was all that hard until marriage and parenting. It is shockingly difficult to forgive someone who does not even realize they have hurt you and with whom you see daily. It is even harder to forgive yourself. My failings as a wife and mother are glaring to me and impossible for me to forget. I wonder if my inability to forgive myself is why i am easily angered or hurt by those i love. I think i so desperately want them to help me or make it easier for me not to fail, but then they are human too.