You're Gonna Miss This

The children all finished their dinner before me, of course. After trying very hard to ask nicely to be excused, they all hopped off to play for ten more minutes before bath. Why they couldn't all play nicely together while I was trying to cook, I don't know. But now as I sit at the table alone and hear their sweet little excited voices chattering happily in the other room, I get a deep sense of joy and sadness knowing this time is going to end much too soon. I will be sitting alone at the table all the time before I know it. My children grown and moved out and me here dreaming of these days where I couldn't get dinner ready on time because I was having to stop and referee multiple fights or change a diaper or had a little one under my feet wanting to be held. In all this insanity I call home, I am finally at a place of realizing how much I love this crazy. That I am called to this place and these children and these dogs for this. I am being sharpened into the image of Christ by this circus of family and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Although some days I think I might. On those days I just sing to myself the Alan Jackson song "you're gonna miss this". Hang in their mommy. We will miss this and we will be better for it on the other side.

refining fire

nothing will refine you more or more rapidly than parenting. the extreme emotions of boundless love and then the next second deep anger and disappointment and then guilt are enough to make any sane person feel like they are losing their mind. this last week has been a roller coaster with my kids. one amazing night of pure bliss, as they played for hours together with no fighting and eagerly obeyed and cleaned up without supervision followed by two straight days of them fighting and disobeying and being defiant, has left me drained and confused and frustrated. today i completely lost it to the point i could not even scream in frustration i was so angry it was beyond a scream. my kids have been yelling at me in public, telling me no to everything i ask or say and when they get a spanking they show no understanding or remorse for their wrong doing. ok well maybe my 4 yr old will show remorse but not until i have a near melt down. it is so hard to love them so so much and be so hurt by them and angry at the same time.
Tonight as i cried thru our bedtime prayers pleading with God for help and mercy and forgiveness and to impart understanding to my children of obedience and help for me to know how to guide them, i felt Him whisper to me "i feel the same way when you choose disobedience and anger and impatience and selfish desires over me and my ways." i suddenly saw my sin and that of society and the Israelites in the old testament. i am hurt by the disobedience of my four little ones, how much more must it hurt our heavenly father who loves us unconditionally to watch millions of His children ignore His love and choose disobedience and defiance. Lord, my heart is broken by my own sin. i am so truly sorry. thank you for your forgiveness and love and please please help me to choose You even in the heat of the moment of everyday frustrations.