You're Gonna Miss This

The children all finished their dinner before me, of course. After trying very hard to ask nicely to be excused, they all hopped off to play for ten more minutes before bath. Why they couldn't all play nicely together while I was trying to cook, I don't know. But now as I sit at the table alone and hear their sweet little excited voices chattering happily in the other room, I get a deep sense of joy and sadness knowing this time is going to end much too soon. I will be sitting alone at the table all the time before I know it. My children grown and moved out and me here dreaming of these days where I couldn't get dinner ready on time because I was having to stop and referee multiple fights or change a diaper or had a little one under my feet wanting to be held. In all this insanity I call home, I am finally at a place of realizing how much I love this crazy. That I am called to this place and these children and these dogs for this. I am being sharpened into the image of Christ by this circus of family and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Although some days I think I might. On those days I just sing to myself the Alan Jackson song "you're gonna miss this". Hang in their mommy. We will miss this and we will be better for it on the other side.

refining fire

nothing will refine you more or more rapidly than parenting. the extreme emotions of boundless love and then the next second deep anger and disappointment and then guilt are enough to make any sane person feel like they are losing their mind. this last week has been a roller coaster with my kids. one amazing night of pure bliss, as they played for hours together with no fighting and eagerly obeyed and cleaned up without supervision followed by two straight days of them fighting and disobeying and being defiant, has left me drained and confused and frustrated. today i completely lost it to the point i could not even scream in frustration i was so angry it was beyond a scream. my kids have been yelling at me in public, telling me no to everything i ask or say and when they get a spanking they show no understanding or remorse for their wrong doing. ok well maybe my 4 yr old will show remorse but not until i have a near melt down. it is so hard to love them so so much and be so hurt by them and angry at the same time.
Tonight as i cried thru our bedtime prayers pleading with God for help and mercy and forgiveness and to impart understanding to my children of obedience and help for me to know how to guide them, i felt Him whisper to me "i feel the same way when you choose disobedience and anger and impatience and selfish desires over me and my ways." i suddenly saw my sin and that of society and the Israelites in the old testament. i am hurt by the disobedience of my four little ones, how much more must it hurt our heavenly father who loves us unconditionally to watch millions of His children ignore His love and choose disobedience and defiance. Lord, my heart is broken by my own sin. i am so truly sorry. thank you for your forgiveness and love and please please help me to choose You even in the heat of the moment of everyday frustrations.

The Toddler Mantra

I do not want to eat that food
I don't care that you think i am rude
I yelled and screamed and stomped my feet
Demanding you make me something to eat
I whined all day about my favorite food
But now that you made it, i want to be rude.
I do not want that food you made
I will not eat it not today.

Mush

By every Thursday evening i am pretty much done for the week. Exhaustion sets in and the kids can get away with more than normal. Tonight presented an image that really represents how i feel every Thursday. Post bath and pj play time with the kids brushing (more like beating) my hair to make me look like Repunzel. Which whatever they come up with probably is an improvement to my normal crawled out from under a rock look. Then i end up laid out face first with all four climbing, sitting, and pulling on me while my 4yr old son beats me with a pool noodle yelling "Mush!" when i finally escape to get the bed time routine ready, my son comes in and says "it's jumping time. We are jumping off the dresser." all i see are ER visits and the Cosby Show episode where Theo and Vanessa play cannon ball with Rudy tossing her into the wall. oh the joys. i wouldn't trade one second of any of it <3

Lay it down

I lay it all down tonight. My "rights" to privacy in the bathroom, or silence when i am on a call, or a clean house or painted toes. They are all being put down tonight. My rights are representations of the old me. The who i was but not who i am or who i am called to be. I have been looking back longingly at that old me of singleness and "freedom", and as God has been trying to free me of that selfish person i have been fighting Him every step of the way. But tonight i will not fight. The greater blessings of little feet and little arms of love running to me and tackling me far outweigh a manicure. The sweet voices saying "thank you mommy for taking to mcdonalds" or my 4 yr old telling me "you're a good mommy" are so much better than any so called freedom of before. I am astonished by my selfishness and so so thankful for a loving Father who patiently continues to work on my heart and love me even in my ungrateful states. The joys and tears of marriage and motherhood are a great adventure and where i am called to be now. Just as the joys and tears of singleness were the adventurers i was called to in the past. I will live in this present adventure whether it is a glorious hug from my children or dirty diapers being dragged across carpet. This is beautiful and i am thankful to be God's beautiful mess.

"S**t or Get Off the Pot" - real life potty training

Never has that phrase been more real than while potty training. I have three toddlers all in different stages of potty training right now but all of them seem to need to do their business at bed time. While i am thankful for more flushable business trips, i have found that at my moments of least endurance and patience is their favorite time to go. the girls just like to take their sweet time and read or talk or sing while my son just likes to get it over with. Of course he is also four and a month ago swore that he would not use the potty at all till he was 5 and he did not want to go to school or VBS or rec camp (all failed incentives to get him out of diapers). Now he is an underwear using preschooler who got his first backpack today. And yes i have lived for two years in total parent embarrassment changing the diaper of a toddler who is at least one year bigger than his age. But as i heard from focus on the family  and daily reminded myself, "i have never met a high schooler still in diapers". My three yr old is going potty about 50% of the time and my two yr old likes to pretend she needs to go. She also likes to try to change her own dirty diapers no matter what location she is in. So fun when your child is stripping down in the middle of the grocery store. But one day they will all get there. Maybe like magic like with my son. He just woke up one day and decided that was enough. There is potty victory one day down the road. They will all one day "s**t and get off the pot"

Quitting

If motherhood was a paying gig, today i would have quit. Crying, whining, teething, sibling rivalry, and stomach bugs all around have conquered my last ounce of determination. I am usually pretty worn thin by Thursday anyway, but today i reached the end. Lack of sleep has certainly not helped. Let's be honest. We all want to walk out some days. A few weeks ago this desire to leave it all behind would have sent me into a downward spiral of guilt and hopelessness; but God sent an amazingly honest lady across my path. She heard my weary voice and shared that even when raising her two children, she had times of wanting to drive till the road ended and stay there. Just hearing that someone else has felt that way has kept me from spiraling for the past two weeks. God is not afraid of our honesty, so can we not be afraid to be honest with each other? This fear of being transparent about motherhood is probably what has driven some moms to drive their van full of kids into the ocean. May we never judge, but only come along side and pray and help and walk this sometimes incredibly hard journey together. If you are struggling with being overwhelmed and wanting to run away it is ok. Find another mom somewhere even if it is at a playground and share a little. If you are struggling with this on a darker level. Maybe panic attacks, anger, rage, immobilizing sadness, or violence toward yourself or others, call your Dr asap or find a hospital or even call a help line like 1-800-A-Family and talk to someone who can direct you to local help. Even if you don't have insurance or money, get the help. The money will work out. Praying for all moms to get some much needed rest and find an honest friend to do this life with.